Passing the head tilt

This is going to get personal, I might even delete it but for now...

I’ve learned many things about myself and others while trying to navigate through life after death. My brother died suddenly last October and my Mom went in May. I was just getting over my Dad going almost five years ago so, it’s been a rough few years.

Now some things I say here are going to sound like I’m a little heartless - I can assure you I’m not. I’ve had my breakdowns, hours of crying, feelings of pure helplessness and times of wondering how I can get out of bed. But more often, I’ve found myself worried about other people, usually people I don’t know. Concerned with how we are going to get through the necessary conversations without them feeling uncomfortable.

The initial calls to family and close friends were brutal. In a world of texting, most knew right away that receiving a call could only mean sad news. I have two other brothers who...let’s just say I’m estranged from (note to self - find a better word!). Anyway, me being the one my Mom relied on the most, the task of phoning became mine.  The other obligatory business also fell on my shoulders. Lucky me, Mom made me the executor!

Now comes the point of the whole post - dealing with acquaintances and strangers. Ugh!

A wise woman once told me she didn’t like the word passed when what really happened was the person died. I told her I use the term not for myself, but to lessen the blow when telling someone the news. But it really doesn’t lessen the blow, it just adds to the awkwardness of sharing something personal with strangers.

Typical phone conversation I’ve had recently with a business someone i.e. bank, cable, credit card customer service -

Me - Hello, my name is Kelly Dawson and I’m calling on behalf of my mother, Dorothy.

Them - Yes, how can I help you?

Me - Well, my mother passed away (lessening the blow here) and I need to close her account.

Them - (awkward silence, audible head tilt) I’m sorry

Me - Thank you (acknowledging their pre-programmed response) It’s okay, she lived a good long life. (making them feel better)

How I wanted the conversation to go is something like this -

Me - Hi, this is Kelly Dawson and I’m calling because my Mom died (not passed, being real here) so she can’t watch Shark Tank and Jeopardy anymore. Can you just flip a switch and turn off everything so I can go back to bed and fucking cry?

Them - Aw man, that sucks but you’re going to have to get your shit together and bring in all the boxes that she had. Don’t worry though, I’ll respect the fact that you are going through hell and I won’t tilt my head and try and make you smile.

Me - Thank you

I’ve done it, we all do it, the automatic I’m sorry and the head tilt.

We all try and lessen the blow, but you really can’t. People die and the ones that haven’t yet need to find a way to live on.

Another wise woman told me she told her child that “Grandma’s body stopped working”. I like this much better than passed on or even died. It’s honest and doesn’t mean that her love doesn’t live on. I’m going to try and live on by making art, probably something about our bodies not working, our love living on or a piece questioning where we go after here. Or maybe I’ll just make more faces.